Grown in a greenhouse,
Raised to be a tree.
Confined in this glass prison,
Needing to be free
Although I have everything I could need or want my leaves are not green
My roots are not deep and my heart is not clean.
Nourished and maintained height and width is added each day.
Pruned and groomed, forced in this place to stay.
Grown in a greenhouse,
Raised to be a tree.
Confined in this glass prison,
Needing to be free
I break away from my confinement and solitude,
Break away from my forest family only to be wooed,
By the freshness of outside air and its variety
Longing to become a part of my own individual society.
No tree is an island.
My hand is an hour glass and the sand is slipping through,
Not into another chamber but away from me.
Some on the ground,
Some blown in the wind,
Some grains even hit my shoe.
As I watch the times pass and slip through my fingers
And sand particles float away, I realise that unlike a true hour glass these grains will be lost forever,
Lost time.
If I could chase the wind I would, but who can chase the wind?
If my fingers could grasp the specs on the ground I’d try to salvage what is left of what I have wasted.
It is useless, a wasted effort.
Time is destined to pass,
And my hands where never made to hold onto time,
So I must learn to let go, and to walk with this cargo.
For if I do not, I will spend my whole life watching each grain slip through my finger tips,
Into the wind,
Onto the ground,
Gone.
Written By Siobhan Hendricks
Walking towards your face
highlighted by the moon light
glistening with your wine rich glow
Drunk on the smell of you,
Drunk on the sight of you,
the power of you travelling from head to toe.
My body reaching out towards you,
as if I were made of hands
Anticipating the blissful fury of your love
Fragile at the thought of you
Fragile at the sight of you
Your presence travels closer to me like a dove.
Tell me where would I go if I were not here?
Tell me where would you go if not travelling towards me?
What brought you to me?
And, will I reach you in time?
Reaching closer to you now
I’m tempted to break into a run
Breathing in air thick with your scent
Dancing at the hope of you
Dancing at the sight of you
Onwards to your royal, statuesque form I went.
Standing directly into of you
Taking in the view
Excited that in just a few moments you will be mine
Swaying to the beat of you
Swaying to the touch of you
Trapped in Love, trapped in your heavenly shrine.
I’m gonna use my wisdom tooth.
I’m gonna use it to speak some wisdom into this poem,
Use it to bite a whole out of my stupid tongue,
Use it to chip my foolish tooth.
I’m gonna use my wisdom tooth,
I’m gonna fight the pain,
Break through the barriers,
Hitting a vain.
I’m gonna use my common sense in an uncommon degree,
No longer dwelling on the thoughts of other men,
But thoughts of my own.
I’m gonna use my common tooth in an uncommon degree,
No longer dwelling on the swelling or crowding of my mouth,
But using its support to crush even the toughest meat.
I’m gonna brush my wisdom tooth,
Clear all the grime.
All the years of tarnish,
All the years I cried.
All the pain cleansed from my mouth,
All the secrets gone.
I’m gonna brush my wisdom tooth,
Clean all the dirt,
All the plaque of life scrubbed away and rinsed out of my mouth.
I’m gonna let the white enamel shine through and enhance my beautiful smile.
Into the heart of Lady, deeper and deeper I go
Seeking to know what makes me,
What makes me Woman so.
How I can grow and develop into that shining queen,
Without losing that girly gleem.
Into the heart of nature, deeper and deeper I go
Exploring the woods and oceans of life,
Walking to valleys low.
Climbing the Rocky Mountains that tone my thighs,
Pausing at an alcove for a moments rest.
Into the heart of Lover, deeper and deeper I go.
Desiring to find the secret to Loves endless flow.
Wondering where I’ll find him and how he’ll find me too,
And if I will be ready,
If I will know what is in the heart of Love.
Into the heart of Maker, deeper and deeper I go.
Hungering for His presence,
For his wisdom to know,
How I should live to please him,
How I can be my best.
He saved my soul,
He made me whole,
So, deeper and deeper I go.
He said I want you
He said I need to have you
But you see,
He don’t want me and he defiantly don’t need me
‘Cause,
He don’t want my sarcasm or my not so funny jokes
He don’t need my emotional confusion or my instability
He don’t want my mood swings and my immature tendencies
He said he wants me, He needs to have me
But you see,
He only wants my image,
He wants the creation of me he has in his mind
‘Cause,
If I had a clone of me, He’d have her, Hell he'd need her to, I know he would
So you see, He don’t want me
‘Cause he don’t want all of this, he can’t handle all of this
He didn’t say,
I care for you,
I love you,
You make me feel…. He just said,
he wants me, He said he needs to have me
I’m a possession, a goal, a dream even, a mouldable kind of Love that can be whatever he wants or needs it to be
But,
I, don’t want you (him)
And I don’t need to have you (him)
‘Cause, I’m waiting for the guy that has me
Frustration is my life and life my frustration.
I wanted this path which I have chosen.
I craved for its taste,
Longed for the comfort it brought me in the night,
And I did yearn for its warm embrace.
Clawing my way out of this decrepit hole,
Only to merrily skip into an abyss far greater than the one before!
Basking in the beauty of my flesh made chaos,
In awe of the sweet scent of my decay.
A most graphic and crude picture I paint.
One even the most trained eyes I am sure would flinch at.
I am sure even the most trained eyes would agree I used the most precise footsteps,
to led me to my current state.
The frustration that is my life,
And the life that is my frustration,
Has led me to believe that confusion is a permanent resident here.
It has led me to believe,
That anguish, self-pity and loathing will always be a part of me,
And that I will forever cry each tear.
And what of this thought my friend?
What shall the happy ending be?
What wise conclusion will I draw,
That will allow us both to see,
See how I can make it right,
And maybe wholly and completely free.
But there you have it!
What kind of poem would this be,
if each sentence was a contradiction to the very essence of me?
What if I told you that these words have no solution and,
That in time is the only way we can tell,
If this life will continue to be my frustration,
And my flesh made hell.
Chocolate reminds me of every taste,
but mostly of you.
Last year when I ate it and
its texture turned to liquid in my mouth, it
reminded me of that,
Lost Memory. As the sweet and desire-filled
molten lava erupted between my lips,
a hint of my childlike ghost whiffed across my face,
intoxicating the air around me,
creating a new taste.
The sweetie took on a new essence,
it became the very incarnation of that painful act.
Chocolate reminds me of every taste,
but mostly of you.
Yesterday when I partook of its
gloriously divine zest and it crumbled
and crunched underneath my molars,
it reminded me of that,
Transaction of Words. It was almost as if
the chocolate had a pinch of chilli. Regardless,
I rolled the bitter-sweet chunk in my mouth, tasting
the tang with my tongue. From it, a new scent arose
filled with love and strain.
This chocolate has confused my taste buds
as it is different from last year’s flavour of pain.
Chocolate reminds me of every taste,
but mostly of you.
It didn't use to until yesterday.
Today though,
this chocolate tastes like tears
You ask, what burden I carry,
that makes my heart so cold
You wonder why I lack some expression
and of what kind of secrets my heart does hold.
I am flattered by your curiosity
And the time you have taken to care,
but trust me when I say this,
my feelings you should not fair.
Pay no attention to my polished and reserved disposition,
my misplaced female intuition.
Tell me why you seek to see,
the pain growing inside of me,
the pain you know everyone feels
but has learned to enact so easily.
Why must the salty water fall from my eyes?
Why can I not keep it in, with my head held high?
What sign does this liquid show?
Why must I openly acknowledge my constant woe?
What is it that these tears add to my femininity?
Tell me, so at last I may see.
You say it is not natural for one to bottle things inside
You say it will have a diverse effect on my mind
Of where did you learn these great wisdoms,
of these so called universal truths
Take me to this place or to this man,
so I may have some proof,
so my eyes may water the very things I’ve kept held inside,
so my eyes may water the very things you say burden my soul and mind.
I assure you my friend,
My sanity is no ticking bomb,
and my emotional senses are not completely numb.
I cry very regularly, I’ll have you know,
and right now there is no pain for me to show.
You say, how can this be,
as you have never seen a single tear,
never heard a sob or seen any fear.
My reply is this;
Pain I do feel,
Sorrow I do know,
and burdens I always carry,
many past issues still do tarry.
Let me put it this way;
If the pain I feel is invisible,
Why should the evidence of my feelings show?
Maybe the most effective tears do not fall from your eyes,
but from a place deep inside,
where all our emotions go.
But even as we speak right now,
and bring to surface the pain inside
I ask you, how you have not seen the tears I’ve cried
When it happened my heart stopped beating
When it happened,
I did not feel like eating
Breath escaped my mouth, and
For a brief moment,
My spirit floated between this world and God’s heavenly Kingdom,
Caught,
in a cage of eternal bliss,
destined,
to fall through a frighteningly lonely abyss.
When it happened,
I knew the dream would never be,
When it happened I searched my heart for the key
Looking for that missing cog,
The final part of this large mechanism,
So that,
I may understand,
the reason why,
my feet cannot keep to the ground,
the reason why,
the effect of this has been so profound
How could an event so insignificant,
Trigger,
So many words
When I saw you,
my heart stopped beating
When I saw you,
I did not feel like eating
When I saw you,
I knew the dream would never be
When I saw you,
I searched me heart for the key
A realisation is what I have come to.
The end of a very long road,
the beginning of a very wide highway.
Steps confused and tormenting,
breaths short and sharp.
Along this winding road many dips, bridges, and potholes I have passed.
Along this steep hill many crashes, swerves, and hazards I have endured,
or have I?
I search for this love, this peace, this destination, my destination, only to find pain.
At the end of this road is the start of one more treacherous than the last.
Every stumble, every crash, strengthens my stride.
Every stumble, every crash, renews my mind.
Every stumble, every crash, brings me to a new realisation.
And with each injury a harder skin is formed on the surface.
But now I see, it is not harder at all, but weaker,
cracking under all the hurt and pain that my journey has caused me.
I reached a point where I believed I could hurt no more,
could cry no more,
could long for the end no more.
A car, so far away yet so close,
swept me from under my feet,
knocked the wind out my lungs,
cut my heart, all without my feet leaving the ground.
I now know that you do not have to fall to hit the bottom.
Each day can be a daily dying.
A birth of something new, a new me, a new you, a new road.
Will I ever reach that highway, where my love, peace, my destination shall keep me, help me to shed the hard skin that has grown weak over the course of my travels?
Each travellers on their very own journey like my own.
Loving me, lifting me, pushing me, grazing my heart.
With a blink of an eye that peace, that love I found in you turns into the treacherous vehicle that silently hits my soul.
My happiness lost without me realising it was gone until the end of the road.
A realisation is what I have come to.
The end of a very long road,
the beginning of a very wide highway.
Help me to learn and grow.
Help me to shed the hard skin that has grown weak over my journey, so I may walk to the end of my highway.
Sometimes I wonder,
I wonder why I bother,
Why I try
And I wonder,
Would you bother?
Would you try?
The sad thing is, I doubt you would
Nothing but doubt clouds my mind these days
I doubt myself,
My feelings,
My wants and fears,
My loved ones,
You,
And even God
I long for the day when I'll hold you and feel secure.
Sometimes I wonder,
I wonder why I fight,
why I bother loving
And I wonder,
Would you fight?
Would you bother loving?
The sad thing is I don't think you would, for me at least
I don't think my heart can take this
If I had known love and pain where practically the same, I would of chose another option, another route.
However, now it’s too late to change my direction, because I Love You,
And I don't have to wonder, I know
I remember that moment when the process of love began.
When my eyes brushed across your face and wondered…
Who is he?
What does he think about?
Is his beauty only skin deep?
Could he ever be with me?
Embarrassed and confused by the emotions that flooded my heart,
Wondering what it meant,
I searched, poked and prodded around you like a child that has seen something for the first time.
Curious and amazed by you, by the way you made me feel, I allowed myself to wander,
Allowed myself to graze,
To bask in the beauty of your loveliness,
To continue in a daze.
On and on I travel through the fields of you, longing to find more.
Longing to familiarise myself with every scent, every shape of you.
Each word, each conversation binds me to you,
Words are the thread, conversation the needle that sews me in deeper, closer to your heart, closer to where I want be.
Loving you is like a dream,
One that I don't think I'll wake up from,
One that will never end, whether you stay or you go, the love will remain.
The imprint you've left on my life will stain forever and remind me of that precious moment when you came into my life and changed me.
Words don't even express how I feel,
How I need to need you, and need to have you,
But,
I'll use them anyway.
Now that process is in motion I wonder where it will lead.
Will my heart stop beating?
Will this love succeed?
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I don't want to try.
Imagining life without you is like…..
T.V with no picture, it would be empty, useless,
A cold metal box with no use.
So stay, don't go,
Let's see where the process of love takes us to.
I never thought that someone I loved could surprise me,
Shatter the innocence of a relationship.
The love I had was so strong, yet misunderstood.
I looked at you and saw a strong pillar, a wise man.
Now I look back I see an empty void where that purity was.
A love so deep, it never died, another tear out of a thousand cried.
I wake up after a night in the dark,
Looking, searching for the soul I once knew.
I wish I could understand what you did, or why.
Then again I don't really want to.
It took me only a while to forgive and forget,
Although, I still hate myself for letting u die,
In spirit and truth,
That day stays with me, haunts me, helps me to grow.
A sea of thanks is what you are due, because yesterday is gone,
And today I'm new.
Long gone are the days when I looked up to you,
I wonder if you ever look down on me.
Its scary but I can see you in me, like a reflection on water,
Drifting away, far, gone.
The memory is gone but the feeling stays,
Strengthening the toughest days.
Once a broken bridge, now a sturdy tower, I stand and walk.
I don’t feel inspired
I look around and,
Where I once would have been lost in colours, shapes and forms –
Now I just see my kettle and stove.
Where I once saw equations and complex sentences,
Now all I see is, my white ceiling staring at me,
Mocking me
In fact, I am so uninspired,
that I am sure that words find more depth in me, than I in them.
I was once a potter.
Shaping my thoughts and life like clay
Rearranging its form into something new, me, inspiring
However, it seems,
Either the clay has dried out,
Or, my hands are not nimble enough to shape and fashion the formation in my mind.
I am in a sea and the waves keep crashing around me, drowning me
There was a time when I could ride those waves like a surfer.
Now the waves ride me.
I am unable to cruise on the words and ideas that surround me,
But I am shaken, my vision blurred by the salt water in my eyes
I don’t feel inspired
It’s not writers block, because,
I am not a writer
It’s a clarity block
No clarity amongst all the chaos in my mind
I just don’t feel inspired
